I’m A Celebrity: Episode 6

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by Jacqueline Tsekouras

The celebrities continue to compete in the immunity challenge “Hang Tough”. It’s a test of endurance which nicely reflects how their careers have slipped right through their fingers. Apparently because of doctor’s orders Janice has to sit everything out. I sense Dr. Spaceman is in Costa Rica. In the end, Lou (and his bug bitten arms) wins immunity, how thrilling.

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The celebrities wake up to the howler monkeys. Somehow Daniel Baldwin knows the biology of how their vocal chords work. I’m guessing it’s one of the five facts that this guy has learned from trivial pursuit over his lifetime, he claims to have made the same noise when he met his wife. This has to be his way of explaining that she is deaf….. and blind… and consequently how he managed to land a wife in the first place. After the celebrities recover from literally going crazy over the monkeys Janice is sent to do some dishes. She uses some bronchitis mucus to clean up, I’m sure it’s the next best thing to Palmolive. Maybe the new cast member should be germaphobe Howie Mandel, but no deal, its Heidi’s sister, Holly Montag. Greaaaaaaaaaaaat. (and yes, you loved that no deal joke, don’t even deny).

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Holly meets all the camp members and instantly Janice invites her over to her house in Colorado. While becoming bosom buddies Janice asks if Heidi changed drastically after meeting Spencer. Clearly someone doesn’t watch The Hills.

The celebrities select Janice and Holly represent the girls; Daniel and Lou represent the boys in the food challenge called “Tree Surgery” which is basically a life-sized version of operation. I support this trial; it’s actually kind of interesting. Who doesn’t want to see celebrities get shocked? Holly asks Janice “do you have a really steady hand?” when assigning roles. Excuse me Holly; do you know who you are talking to? This woman’s taken more drugs than the receiving door of a pharmacy. In the end, Holly does the operating and does an amazing job.

Coming back from commercial the hosts have a chat about all things hot and sweaty. I feel like they’re referencing the past night. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find out in some extra footage.

The tree surgery competition continues and the ladies win the tie-breaker with 17 seconds! Finally the girls win a food trial of an all-American feast of total junk food.

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Back at camp John starts pulling an ‘in treatment’ with Patti. Only about 700 hours later we see her standing in the river and Patti is still talking! Her mouth seems to run faster than the current when she is the topic. After the lecture, the food prize arrives and the girls don’t share with the guys. Janice tries to one up this move by not sharing with anyone at all.

After the meal of grease and fat the celebrities sit around the camp fire and have an extremely sensitive discussion. I actually can’t even joke about it. Well. I can joke at the fact that Janice is wrapped in a sleeping bag not taking part in the conversation and that Sanjaya sounds a bit like Leo Dicaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” when he cries… but other than that I’ll let them be.

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It was a night in the jungle and all through the camp not a single light was flickering, not even a flood lamp. All the celebrities had visions of food in their heads while Janice popped a squat right beside her own bed. Nice one. This action was so stupid the producers requested Lou read out a scroll declaring that no one is allowed to urinate in camp. I agree with him. The fact that a sign has to be posted about that with a group of adults is ridiculous. In order to get her back for her behaviour, and “release”, the Baldwin brothers place a piece of wood in Janice’s bag. (which they found about a month ago! Why do they still have this thing?) Janice’s reaction was lame. I was not impressed. I shouldn’t have expected much considering who laid the trap.

Not only was she pranked, but Janice is also titled the camp hog because she is always first in line and eating all the scraps. Because of this Lou feels it’s necessary to pull her aside, he is the mighty camp leader after all, and let her know she needs to watch herself. Obviously she loves being told how to act. Our hosts inform us that for some reason, voting is open until 4 am! Who is calling at THAT time to vote for THESE people?

It’s time for the next luxury trial and the teams select Torrie, Patti, Stephen and John to compete. Janice starts throwing out the oddest compliments to the two women. She seems like a different person, an even creepier version of her former self, if possible. The trail is titled “Lumberjack Saw” where the celebrities use huge saws to cut through logs. This seems dangerous to me. I can really see someone hurting themselves here. Fingers crossed?

The women saw through the log first and open the math problem inside which only involves adding and subtracting. Why don’t these celebrities have to resort to BEDMAS skills face a real mathematical challenge? Torrie blames her lack of math skills on the fact that men are better at the subject. Do we blame the steroids for this woman’s stupidity? Torrie claims that she knew Patti would be good with numbers. Hmm, I wonder why? I’m going to bet it’s because she doesn’t have 50 pounds of silicon weighing down a peroxide injected brain.

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I’m no Pythagoras, but Stephen Baldwin has the worst technique for solving math equations I’ve ever heard! I don’t blame John Salley for getting mad. The women win once again, looks like Patti has the math skills of a man. Because of this loss, John says he won’t be able to sleep well for the next month. Too bad for Janice and her nightly public pissing.

Janice pulls a Ghandi and goes on a hunger strike and in turn Stephen proposes that the entire camp “gets real”. Thanks Dr. Phil. The Baldwins continue to team up on Janice and her sickness. In her own defense she pairs bronchitis with menopause to explain her moods. I believe it. She is about 80, right?

Torrie and Patti receive their prize for the luxury trial. They got physical fitness equipment and 4 granola bars and (starving) Janice secretly digs in right away. The hosts (and their weird vibe) go to camp to visit the celebrities. John is awarded the chance to speak to a loved one back home. He also chooses Daniel Baldwin to talk to his pregnant wife and Patti to talk to her man (unless he’s on the run).

Quotes:
Daniel: “Janice has used this mythical bronchitis as an excuse to really do little or no work.”
Stephen: “Holly Montag, the sister of the thing that was.”
Daniel: “The B on my head is for Baldwin not Bitch”
Janice: “I’m doing my makeup, and when a supermodel does her makeup, the world stops.”
Lou: “Don’t get Janice germs on our food!”
Janice: “There are monkeys everywhere. It’s so cool. I can’t wait for them to start throwing coconuts at John Salley’s head.”
Holly: “Because it was victory food it tasted so sweet”
Lou: “Don’t urinate in camp. It’s amazing to me that we actually have to post that sign”
Daniel Baldwin: “I’ve never seen anyone who continues to function but be this whacked. With the exception of like, Courtney love.”
Lou: “First I’ll go in with a feather duster. Later we might have to go in with a sledgehammer”
Janice: “You want pranks? Ill taking a sh*t in his pillow case tonight and see how he likes it!”
John: “The women beat two men, with muscles, in sawing the log”
Torrie: “Not my best subject. Usually men are really good at math.”
John: “Two f*cking girls we’re playing against, and you beat us!”
Janice: “Fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood of poor sportsmanship”
John: “When you see crazy coming… cross the streat!”
Janice: “On top of it, I’m menosapusing!”