I’m A Celebrity: Episode 5

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We pick up with Heidi and Spencer preparing to spend the night in the Lost Chamber in order to get back on the show. They’ve gotta bunk with spiders, which is totally creepy, so I can understand why Spencer keeps jumping at shadows. Except unlike him, I’m not a huge tool about the whole thing. Meanwhile, the rest of the celebs talk about Speidi behind their backs, and mostly agree that they can come back. I’m guessing there was a bet on if they’d make it through; the prize was probably Heidi’s precious hair product. Speidi and the spiders pray all night for Jesus to deliver them.

Somehow they make it through the night, only to return to Janice’s over-enthusiastic cheering (I would have left right after that). Spencer discusses the divine intervention that made him want to come back, and which made him vomit a lot? I’m guessing some poisonous spider crept down his throat in the night.

To celebrate being back, Heidi sings the camp one of the songs from her new album. Oh god she needs auto-tune! But she laughs off Janice’s comments that she sounds like a drowning cat. I’m expecting Spencer to punch somebody, and he freaks out, but ‘holds back’ because he doesn’t want to “Spence out”. The difference is: the Hulk would actually be kinda scary and not super lame. The situation gets more ridiculous when Janice gets down on one knee to apologize to Heidi, and then gets creepy when Spencer starts referring to Heidi as “kitty” and she starts MEOWING. Eeeeeesh.

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Now for an attempt at sentiment: Frances announces that she’s gonna leave, because she misses Angela. Not sure if this departure is more wussy than when Speidi wanted to leave because they weren’t at a hotel. Frances is leaving because she’s lonely? What about all these other people, whom she just referred to as her “new family”? What about charity? No one is talking about that. And her departure is so unceremonious that it’s really kinda pathetic.

We go straight from here to Heidi talking about how she wants to be super-religious and start orphanages. Then she starts throwing up too. I’m guessing it’s the food and not Jesus. Anyway, now Speidi want to baptize Janice. This is good, as her hair is looking super greasy, but she’s having none of it. Creepy Baldwin talks about Spencer’s “spiritual hemeroids” (Ewww). Then we get a thought-provoking moment with Chest-Hair Baldwin and Patti talking about difficulties back home. I struggle to care.

Speaking of struggling, the weird hosts show up at camp to announce that America has voted for Sanjaya and Janice to compete in the “Flash Flood” food challenge. The prize sea food is almost as gross looking as any bug they’ve had to eat so far. So, chained in a tank rapidly filling with water, snakes, and crocodiles (which don’t notice him at all), Sanjaya calmly finishes the trial and does an underwater victory boogie. On her turn, Janice, scared of everything, FLIPS OUT. So much for being Wonder Woman. Later at camp Janice cries, possibly to try and get Sanjaya to share his food winnings.

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In a two hour episode you get extra drama. As if it wasn’t enough that Sanjaya is making war paint and brooms out of vines, now Speidi is dehydrated and fasting, and Heidi is super ill. They call the medic and she is driven off to the hospital for an ultrasound. Back at camp, Janice thinks it’s all an act, and the rest of the celebs roll their eyes. Especially when she asks Sanjaya for a massage. WHAT. If this was Survivor she would totally have been voted off already. I think she’s the weakest link, for sure.

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Finally, the every-man-for-himself competition for the new camp leader: Jungle Joe’s Buffet. Is this show’s only device either making the celebs touch creepy things or eat creepy things? No wonder they all look so bored. Janice immediately backs out of the competition, and so does everyone else on her side except for Sanjaya, who passes the first round but can’t stomach the bull’s testicle (Janice vomits in sympathy).

On the other side, Chest Hair Baldwin knocks his bugs back, and Lou Diamond also puts on a fine nom nom performance. Course #2 is stick-insect and cow tongue, and Lou Diamond backs off. Chest Hair Baldwin eats the bug but can’t manage the cow tongue, and so Lou Diamond is voted leader again. His first act is to get Janice to be the new camp dishwasher, so now at least the Baldwins will stop complaining.

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In the first touching moment of this episode, possibly of this show, the celebs finally talk about their charities. At the hospital, Heidi is pronounced so sick (stomach ulcers?) that she and Captain Pratt can’t go back to the jungle. So much for that. Meanwhile, because the celebs broke the food rules and shared the prize the last night, the show has sent smaller portions of dinner tonight. There is an uproar in the camp, probably because everybody’s tummy is rumbly. Awww.

At the very end of this episode, we start the last live challenge, “Hang Tough”. Janice once again bows out before the competition even starts. What is she even doing here? Haha, John Salley is so tall his feet are already in the water.

But hark, the episode is being cut off before the challenge even concludes. So I guess we have to wait until Wednesday to find out about the challenge, and the soon-to-be new arrival to the camp! Oh my. Will the drama never stop? How will we EVER wait until Wednesday? Are you excited to see Holly Montag take Speidi’s place?

Quotes:
Spencer: (about the Lost Chamber) “I guess this is what we deserve for being little crybabies”
Janice: (lying) “I’m the only one who wanted you back” - Spencer: “Well duh, duh, duh.”
Spencer: “Evil wanted me to have left that chamber… so good wants me to be here”.
Janice: “What are you gonna do, Spencer? Woo woo woo. What are you gonna do, hit me? Bring it”.
Heidi: “I’ve wanted to be a missionary since I was eight years old!”
Janice: “I wanna win for the girls so badly it makes my heart stop.”
Sanjaya: “I’m totally in my element, I’m jungle boy… I’m here, I’m supposed to be here, cause I am the king of the jungle. Rawr!”
Lou Diamond: (about Sanjaya) “He’s like this little wood nymph!”
John Salley: “Yo, do prunes really make you go poo-poo?”
Spencer: “I love you guys, I wish you could have seen the new and improved Spencer, but he has to go.”
Daniel: (is not competing with his brother because) “[Stephen] promised me that when he goes home he’s gonna vote for me.”