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Um, so in the realm of trashy television… HOW AMAZING WAS THAT?!

Did you watch? Discuss! Do you hate Heidi for crying over dry shampoo, or love her for the TV entertainment she provides? Is Spencer a b*tch? Can someone actually upstage Janice Dickinson?

Watch the first episode on demand now!

OK HERE’S THE RECAP - this system is a work in progress. This is way too long - they will be shorter in the future!

So this show is quick & dirty - it’s only on for three weeks and right now, 4 times per week. Then BAM! Done. We’ll be recapping every episode.. but not in depth! We’re gonna dump our thoughts out, and then you can share your comments about the show too. Cause really, I need to know if I’m not the only one who thinks Janice Dickinson has jungle fever for John Salley.

Episode one was a saga - sooo long but also kind of amazing. A healthy chunk of the show was dedicated to showing us what happened in the first 48 hours of the celebs arriving in Costa Rica, and 98% of that time was allocated to Speidi drama. Seriously, this show will lose half its flava without them.

So, trying to make this short… the celebs arrive in two teams. They are as follows:

Red Team
Janice Dickinson: self-proclaimed world’s first supermodel.
Spencer Pratt: His goal is to make the public realize he’s the next level of super villain.
Heidi Pratt: Knows nothing about the jungle, but husband take care of her. Excited to get a tan.
John Salley: Retired NBA star with a fear of spiders.
Patti Blagojevich: Wife of scandalized former governor of Illinois. “After last few months, the jungle doesn’t sound so scary.”

Yellow Team
Torrie Wilson: wrestling diva. Dreading the jungle.
Stephen Baldwin: Enjoys facing fears.
Frangela: Comedy duo Francis and Angela. One of them from Hannah Montana. Uhh.
Lou Diamond Phillips: Star of La Bamba!
Sanjaya: “People think I’m wholesome but I’ve got a wild side.”

Without going into detail because this will turn into an essay, here’s what happens for the rest of the episode:

The teams arrive at camp, and SOME people freak out because it’s not a Four Seasons. Cough cough Speidi. Janice Dickinson is like, “this is beautiful!” But she is crazy. Almost immediately Spencer and Heidi are ready to quit. They hang in a hammock and sulk, and then go off in the woods and sulk. Heidi’s like, “I cannot not have sex with you for that long!!” I think they were actually expecting spa treatment down here. Frangela says, “we’re having an external break-down, they’re having an internal crack-up.” Haha.

Spencer announces that they’re leaving. Salley says, “think about your charities!” Spencer says, “that’s why we chose the biggest charities in the world.” NICE ATTITUDE. They run off to call some NBC exec, and Spencer says something that makes my jaw drop: “I’m too rich and too famous to be sitting with these people and cleaning up their sh*t in the jungle. (see quote #1 below for the rest).

Oh, my gosh. I need to wrap this up. This could take forever. So basically, Speidi decide not to quit. Then the next morning they decide to quit again. The rest of the celebs divide up Speidi’s belongings, but of course they come back again and FREAK OUT. I mean, it’s one thing to be mad about that, which is warranted, but another thing to go BALLISTIC. Which is what Spencer does. It’s really amazing, you should watch it. He repeats himself a lot. He eventually calms down and sprays himself with a shimmering glow.

From this point on, Heidi always carries her hair product in her hand. It’s my favourite theme of the whole show. She’s literally attached to it. Just tie it back, lady - life will be better. Spencer steals Torrie’s bag and hides it in the jungle, cause he’s pissed that she took Heidi’s hair product earlier in the day. But later he apologizes, and people believe him. But then he’s all (to the camera): “I’m faking them out. These people are crazy.”

By this point they’ve been divided into boys vs girls teams, just in time for food trials wherein everyone must eat disgusting things in an attempt to win a good dinner. Ew, ew, ew. Warning to all arachnophobics (ME), a tar****la is involved here, and I almost lost my lunch. Heidi actually surprises me though, eating both a rat’s tail and THREE scorpions, not at all complaining and cheering on her team mates. This 180 turn is both charming and impressive. But the boy team wins, and ensure themselves chicken and fruit for dinner.

Dinner arrives, and the men share (aww). Janice yells at Spence for throwing pineapple skin in the fire, cause it would attract rats. He seems to respect her, so picks it out. Later, the teams must pick leaders, who duel for the title of Camp Leader. Janice and Lou Diamond are chosen, but their duel lasts only minutes as Janice wagers with Lou, who wins Camp Leader For A Week.

The celebs find out about live trial, which is when we actually go live. Everyone (but Heidi and Spencer) are strapped to the “Trauma Tank”, competing for immunity. This is as bad as it sounds. Heads first in a tank, a load of cockroaches are released. Frangela, Salley and Janice exit immediately. Then - ARACHNOPHOBIA ALERT - the T spiders are released and I stop watching. But then suddenly the lady host is like, “that’s all for tonight!!” and the show ends. So I guess we wait for tonight to see who wins.

They didn’t really come into play this episode, but I think Sanjaya and Stephen Baldwin are players to watch out for - they’ll go far.

Oh, and word on the street is that Heidi and Spencer actually already quit. I guess we’ll find out tonight. If so, this show won’t be the same without them.

BEST QUOTES - aka The Heidi and Spencer Show

1. Spencer: “I’m too rich and too famous to be sitting with these people and cleaning up their sh*t in the jungle. This cast is devaluing our fame. I’m sitting next to VH1 comedians I’ve never seen before. Stars of shows get treated like stars.”
2. Heidi: “I cannot not have sex with you for that long.”
3. Heidi: “I could do this longer if there were smores and another change of clothes.”
4. Spencer: “The reality is I’m faking them out. These people are crazy, all helping each other and living like a little community. I see them as servants to me.”
5. Spencer: “I’m a villian - why wouldn’t I want my brand being negative everywhere? I’m already the king of america, and I might as well be the king of the costa rican jungle.”
6. Frangela: “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” (after crossing the river)
7. Spencer: “I’m too busy making money to work out.”
8. Heidi: “My husband is a new christian so he’s still working on his temper and stuff.”
9. Janice: “Since I dated Sylvester, I can look like Rambo.” (putting on a bandana)
10. Heidi: “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”